


Last Hope

by fyf



Category: All Time Low
Genre: Depression, M/M, Mental Institutions, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-11
Updated: 2014-07-03
Packaged: 2018-01-24 07:24:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1596494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fyf/pseuds/fyf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Alex's best friend commits suicide he falls into depression. Jack is determined to help him get better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Last Hope

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise if this is terrible, I haven't wrote in a really long time so i'm kinda rusty, I've rated this Teen and Up Audiences because of the mature content in the chapters. Comments and feedback are appreciated.

All of this hurt, this pain, this fear. All bottled up inside, just waiting to burst. Why does no one understand? They say you're not alone, that other people are feeling what you are. But what does that do? Nothing. It doesn't help you feel better, or relieve your pain. It just makes you feel more sad, that other people, somewhere, out there, are feeling as bad as you do. I try to keep going, living for that one thing that keeps my feet on the ground, the thing that I need.

Unfortunately, I don't think they need me, and I certainly don't deserve them, I wouldn't want to poison them with my thoughts anyway. They are care free, happy. I'm the opposite. I feel like i've got the weight of the world on my shoulders and all the worries in the world. I wish I could tell them how I feel. But lately no words have came to mind.

Why must I be like this? What did I do to deserve this? Oh, yeah, that's right, being the useless and pathetic person I am, that's what.

I turned over in the bed and nuzzled my face in the pillow. I wish I could sleep forever, not have to worry about daily life, just stay in bed, asleep, dreaming of what I wish my life was.

The doorbell rang. I glanced at the clock. 10:30am. I groaned, and turned over in the bed, ignoring the door. The doorbell rang again. I just wanted them to go away, leave me to myself and my thoughts. The person at the door was persistent, ringing the doorbell again and taking up banging on the door.

'Alex!... Alex! Open up, I know you're in there!' A voice shouted. My brow furrowed, who was that, how did they know I was in here? My eyes widened at my realisation. Jack. I mentally slapped myself for not realising it was him sooner. How could I forget my Jack?

'Go away Jack!' I shouted. A blunt 'NO' was heard from outside of the front door. I buried my head under the pillow and did my best to ignore Jack.

I rolled over at the creak of my bedroom door being opened. I cocked my head with confusion.

He held up a small metal object. 'Key' he explained. 'I thought i'd be polite first and knock but you wouldn't answer so I came in'

He was standing in the doorway, dissapointment in his eyes. I rolled mine, and pulled the covers up over my head. I felt my bed sink down as Jack took a seat there. I pulled back the covers and avoided Jack's eye contact.

'Good Morning, Sunshine' He exclaimed. I rolled my eyes.

'No.. no it's not Jack. It never is, not when I wake up that is' I replied. Jack's face sunk at this, he looked away from me, towards the wall, tears forming in his eyes. I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. I sighed.

'I'm sorry. I didn't mean it' I lied. Jack shook his head and blinked away the tears.

'You did. I already know' His voice quietened. He turned his head and looked me in the eye, I couldn't bring myself to look away. 'That's why I'm here. To help yo-'

'I don't want your help' I bluntly cut him off.

'But Le-' Jack persisted.

'No, Jack. I don't want to feel like this anymore! I'm fucking sick of it. Why can't you fucking see that!?' I shouted. Jack looked shocked, his expression begging me stop, but I carried on, my anger taking over me. 'You have no idea what it is like. Feeling like this, so down, so beaten. Everything hurts Jack! Why can't you just fuck off and leave me the fuck alone!?' I cried, punching the mattress behind him, making him jump. His frightened eyes caught mine and my anger flooded away. I had to control myself, I could never hurt Jack. Never.

'Alex' Jack whispered. I looked away from his eyes, not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes again. 'Alex' Jack repeated, his tone harsher. I looked up at him, staring into his chocolate brown eyes. Oh, how I love those eyes.

Jack cupped his hand underneath my chin and leaned forward till our noses were touching. I flinched involuntarily at the contact. Jack remained still. He blew a quick breath at my face, taking me by surprise and making me giggle. A wide grin spread across Jack's face.

'There's that smile I love so much, the way it spreads to your eyes and gives them a flicker of life' he explained, his thumb caressing my cheek. ' I want to help you' he continued, shaking his head to stop me from interrupting. 'I'm not taking no for an answer. I'm not going to lose you Lex. No way am I going to let that happen. Let me help you, please. You are the peanut butter to my jelly, remember? The marshmallow fluff to my tongue?' He smiled at the last bit. Reminiscing. 'I want to make you better, I want you back Alex... the one I fell in love with'

My eyes flew to his at this. Confusion spreading across my features. 'You don't want me. I'm broken and bruised. I'm just a disappointment, I can see it in your eyes' I explained.

Jack shook his head slowly. 'No Alex, you're not a disappointment. I'd never be disappointed in you, and yes, I do want you, I want all of you. Bruises and all.' He continued to stare into my eyes, his eyes pleading with mine.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. He wiped them away with his fingertips. He wrapped his arms around me, so tightly, I could feel the crooks of his elbows on my sides. The tears came thundering down my face and I clutched onto him as if he were my only guiding light in a world of darkness.

'I'll try for you Jack. I really will' I whispered. 'I'll work to become better, for you.'

Jack pulled back and I rested my forehead against his.

'You're the spark that's enough to keep me going'


	2. Lost Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex finds and loses his best friend. (Prequel chapter to Last Hope)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Implied suicide and self harm.
> 
> Again, I apologise for the length of this, I only put it in because on another site, someone requested that I do a prequel chapter, and I found it difficult to write so I kept it short.

I heard the screaming and crying before I saw her. I ran up the stairs to the bathroom, my mind racing with panic. I stopped short of the doorway as the smell hit me. I took a deep breath and walked into the bathroom. Blood- and lots of it. It was in a small puddle around her, running from her wrists in a steady stream. I rushed over to her, grabbing the nearest towels on the way, I wrapped the towels around her wrists, tying them tightly as I could with shaking hands. I held her head in my hands, blood smearing onto her face, I looked into her eyes, they were dark and tears were dripping down her face.  
'I'm sorry Alex, please forgive me... I left you something on my desk. Promise me you'll read it...you have to'. Her eyelids drooped shut, I grabbed her shoulder.  
'Hey, keep your eyes open alright, it's going to be okay...you're going to be okay' I whispered, pulling the towels, which were now soaked through with blood, tighter around her wrists. She shook her head, her mouth forming a small, sad smile.  
'You have to let me go, it's alright, I want to' she replied. She grabbed my hand and looked me in the eyes. 'You have to let me go' she repeated. I shook my head, tears falling onto our joined hands.  
'I can't' I said.  
'Please...' she said, so quiet that I wouldn't have caught it if not for our proximity.  
'Okay' I answered. She laughed, a small puff of air.  
'Okay' she replied 'Nice to know that before I go'. I leant forward and kissed her forehead.  
'Okay' I repeated. She nodded and her eyes slipped shut. Her hand fell from mine, I laid her down, letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Just like that... a piece of me was gone too.


	3. Finding Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack finds a page that Alex wrote, he goes to visit Alex for answers.

January 16th  
[It's always this nagging feeling. The feeling that you're going to break any second; that someone is going to say something, or something is going to happen and something inside you is going to snap. You become almost two people; one person when you're with people, pretending to be okay, and another person when you're on your own, who you really are. You live life like you're waiting for an event, for something to happen, you go around pretending, then on the night when you're alone you pour and cry your heart out to no one. It gets tiring, then again, every task is a chore to do when you feel like you have no purpose anymore. It's a scary thought, to think that you wouldn't care if you died tomorrow, most people are terrified when faced with the idea of death, but you are indifferent to it. People say you need to get help, that you're not normal. Fuck them. Yeah, you may need help if you want to get better, but what if you're okay with being empty inside? With only feeling things in front of people for the sake of saving face? With dying? They shouldn't get to decide what is 'normal', normal is whatever you feel is normal, not what others define it as. I feel like i'm someone different to everyone else and a terrible mess to myself. Dreaming when I sleep is my only escape; making up alternate realities that i'd prefer my life to be like, but it only makes waking harder. Having to leave that reality behind and coming back to the real one. Maybe i'm making things harder for myself than they need to be, but I can't help how I feel. Some may say i'm overreacting but everyone feels differently and what is a big deal to someone may not be to someone else. There are days where I just sit and stare off into space, with a song playing in the background, and feel nothing for an hour. I tend to do that a lot lately.]

Jack looked up from the page where words were blurred with tear drops. He placed the page in his bag and stood up from where he was sat.  
“I need to talk to him” he said.  
“I don't think that's a good idea Jack, he's not in any place to talk right now” Cassadee said, she was sat on the foot of the bed next to Rian.  
“She's right dude, he's unstable at the moment, I don't think he can handle talking about what you want to” Rian agreed.  
“Look, I don't care what you guys think, he needs someone with him right now okay, he said to me that he'll work to become better, and how can I expect him to do all that work by himself with no help? If you guys aren't going to be there for him then I will” Jack started to walk toward the door, Rian stood up and grabbed his upper arm; stopping him.  
“We're here for him okay? We just don't want to overwhelm him, if we all go in talking to him about getting better it'll just remind him of why he's in there in the first place which will make things worse, and that is the last thing anyone wants.”Rian released his arm, stepping back to stand beside Cassadee.  
“I know, i'm not talking to him to make him worse, it's to help him. I understand where you are coming from, I just don't agree with it, there isn't anything you can say to stop me from seeing him” Jack replied. Cassadee nodded, Rian held his hands up in surrender.  
“Fine, I concede, i'm not going to try and stop you if you are set on seeing him. No time like the present right?” Rian gestured to the door “Go see him” he finished with a smile.

* * *

Jack knocked on the door to Alex's room in the hospital.  
“Come in” Alex answered. Jack opened the door, stepped inside the room and closed it behind him. He leant back against the door, smiling at Alex who was sitting cross-legged on his bed drawing in a sketch book.  
“Hey” Alex said quietly.  
“Hey” Jack repeated.  
“Come sit down” Alex said, patting the space next to him. Jack crossed the room, closing the distance between them, and sat down next to Alex.  
“I came to talk to you” Jack said, pulling out the page he read earlier and handing it to Alex. Alex put his pencil in the spine of the sketch book and closed it and took the page from Jack.  
“Where did you get this?” he asked.  
“It was on your desk, Rian, Cassadee and I were cleaning your room and I didn't mean to read it but some words caught my eye and I couldn't stop reading. I'm sorry” Jack answered.  
“This is what you came to talk to me about? Why?” Alex asked. Jack grabbed Alex's free hand and entwined their fingers, Alex tried to pull away but Jack gripped tighter; with his other hand he turned Alex's head so they were looking at each other.  
“I'm sorry for reading it, and I came here to talk to you about it because I don't want you to struggle with getting better on your own, i'm here next to you through all of it” Jack said. Alex squeezed their joined hands, sighing he turned so his body was facing Jack's.  
“So...what about it did you want to talk about?” Alex said, putting down the page and twisting his other hand in the front of Jack's shirt.


	4. Strained Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's really short, but I just haven't had time to write. I'll try and update another flashback chapter soon to make up for it!
> 
> Also, I am in no way saying that if a friend of yours has committed suicide, that you are at all to blame, or that you haven't done enough to prevent it. I just made him feel this way for the purpose of the story.

“When you lose someone, it is like they leave behind a hole in your life that you cannot fill. You feel like you’re never going to be the same. In a way, you’re not; whenever someone mentions their name, a sadness clouds your heart, no matter how long they’ve been gone, you still wish they could be here. Some days, you feel as raw about them as the first day they went. You find yourself staring at places they have been, trying to recall what it was like when they were here, trying to picture them there. I thought the saying ‘you never know what you’ve got until it’s gone’ was stupid, but it is so true, losing someone shows you how much they meant to you; even if you thought you knew; you didn’t, they mean so much more when you realise that you can’t see them, or talk to them anymore; when you can’t go to the place they always were and see them there, smiling at you. It’s hard enough to lose someone without knowing you’re the reason they’re gone”

Jack rested his hand on Alex’s face, he ran his thumb across his cheek; Alex leaned into his touch.

“You… you really think you’re the reason?” Jack said quietly, not quite believing what he was hearing.

“Yeah… I was her best friend, I lover her like a sister, how could I not have realised something was wrong? That not only was she sad, she was depressed? That she wanted to end her life? If I…” a sob broke from his throat and fresh tears rushed down his face, he covered his mouth as a broken sound escaped his mouth. ” If I had noticed, I could of done something, she would still be here” His head fell down into his hands, he brought his knees up to his face.

Jack reached out and touched Alex’s knee but Alex flinched away; turning his body sideways, facing away from Jack.

“I don’t deserve this! I let her die Jack! I didn’t try hard enough to keep her here! How can you still be this nice to me? How are you able to look at me?” Alex finished quietly; his wide, sad eyes looking up into Jack’s.

Jack sighed and closed his eyes, not wanting to see the hurt in Alex’s.


End file.
